Journalist Scares Scientologist

On ABC’s Nightline this weekend, journalist Martin Bashir caused a Scientology spokesman to get up and storm off by asking him about specific beliefs of his religion, such as the idea that an intergalactic being named Xenu stored angry spirits in our volcanoes millions of years ago who must be driven off telepathically by church adherents.

Although this is good television, it would be fun to see Bashir treat some other cosmologies I could name as if the most sacred beliefs were totally cuckoo bananas. I was taught as a child to believe that every Sunday we were eating the son of our deity, which even then I found hard to swallow.

Join the Polygamy Club

The Ikhwan Polygamy Club has formed in Malaysia to tout the benefits of one-man, multiple-woman marriage:

For peace to prevail at home, women should start seeing his other wives as sisters, rather than enemies. It’s a sacrifice every woman must make, for the sake of her husband. Don’t say you’d rather be single. It’s like crawling into a tiger’s stomach, instead of an alligator’s. …

None of us get to choose our spouse. The club committee decides on that. They take care of everything, from accommodation to food to love. But, of course, if we don’t like the guy, we can always refuse.

The group has 1,200 members, three-quarters of whom are female.

Soupy Sales is Off the Air

Pie-in-the-face television comedian Soupy Sales died at age 83 Thursday night of multiple health problems. The longtime children’s TV host once got into trouble for an unusual request he made to his young viewers:

On New Year’s Day 1965, Soupy Sales asked youngsters to go through their parents’ clothing and send him little green pieces of paper with pictures of men with beards. He later reported receiving only a few dollar bills and said he donated them to charity, but Metromedia, the station’s owner, suspended him briefly after a viewer complained to the Federal Communications Commission that he was encouraging children to steal.

In one episode of his show, the crew surprised Soupy with a back-door visit from a stripper, which you can see on YouTube in kid-friendly and kid-unfriendly versions:

Over the years, Sales was falsely credited with sneaking numerous dirty jokes past his young viewers. Snopes.Com helpfully provides examples:

  • Soupy’s telling the joke: “What starts with ‘F’ and ends with ‘UCK’? A fire truck!”
  • Soupy’s singing a ditty entitled “If you see Kay . . .”
  • Soupy’s playing a game with White Fang in which the dog grunts the alphabet but consistently misidentifies the letter ‘F’ as the letter ‘K’ until Soupy blurts out in mock exasperation: “Everytime I see ‘F,’ you see ‘K’!”
  • Soupy’s telling his audience: “I climbed up a tree and kissed my girl between the limbs.”
  • Soupy’s exclaiming: “My wife can’t cook, but she sure can cream my banana!”
  • Soupy’s announcing: “I took my wife to a baseball game — I kissed her on the strikes, and she kissed me on the balls.”

Dead Lamp Walking

Credits: Dan Gurewitch and Sam Reich (writers), Carl Sondrol (music), Gloo Studios (animation).

Nude Coffeemaker Arrested

A Springfield, Va., man is in trouble with Johnny Law because a cop’s wife saw him making coffee in the nude while she was trespassing on his property.

Embarrassed by the national press coverage the story has attracted, the police department has canvassed the neighborhood to find out if any other trespassers have seen this man’s swizzle stick.

Great Moments in Sexual Harassment

The legal proceedings from sexual harassment cases often read like very special episodes of The Office. Back in 1991, the Friedman Motorcars Ltd. dealership in Des Moines, Iowa, was ordered to pay $40,200 by the Iowa Civil Rights Commission. The company was found to be running a “sexually hostile work environment,” among other things.

Meet sales manager Mike Friedman:

67. Mike DeVolder heard derogatory sexual remarks about women at Friedman’s from his first day of work. Mike Friedman, in particular, would talk about his sexual fantasies or comment “Would you fuck that?” with regard to virtually every woman that came into the showroom. It got to the point DeVolder would walk away from Mike Friedman when he noticed women. (Tr. at 101-02).

68. Cathy Koch received the impression that sales staff, and particularly Mike Friedman, felt women employees were sex objects and not too smart. Mike Friedman made the most sexual comments that she heard. … With regard to attractive female customers, he would often say “Wouldn’t you like to screw her?” (Tr. at 219). … He also asked her if she wished she was single. When Ms. Koch replied she did not, he stated “one of us is strange, because there’s a lot of women out there I want to screw.” When Ms. Koch was first learning to use the computer in Mike Friedman’s office, he would often sit by her and look down her bra if she was not buttoned up to the neck. (Tr. at 223).

69. Angie Whetro was a part-time receptionist at Friedman’s who worked on Saturdays only from January to March 1989. She was nineteen years old at the time. (Tr. at 259). Mike Friedman, who was then forty-seven years old, would spend a lot of time watching her. He would ask her questions about her personal life. (Tr. at 260, 738). He suggested that she stop seeing the man she was dating “for an older man who can take care of you and give you everything you want.” Ms. Whetro found these suggestions offensive. (Tr. at 261, 796-97). Mike Friedman told her that he had friends in California who would take pictures of her if she wanted to get into modeling. (Tr. at 261, 778-79). Scott Henry told her to watch out because “Mike has been known to take nudies of little girls like you.” (Tr. at 261). …

71. Janet Adams was employed at Friedman’s as a customer service representative from April 1988 to January 1989. She also dealt with accounts payable. (Tr. at 247- 48). Mike Friedman would come to the receptionist box and ask her whether she had any sex the previous night. He would stare at her from time to time while she was in the dealership. (Tr. at 251). She was informed by one of the sales representatives that Mike Friedman had referred to her as a “nigger screwer” and “whore,” and would never want to touch her.

74. James Sherman, who was a salesman at Friedman’s from mid-July to mid-August of 1990, left partly because of the sexist and racist attitude of many of the salespersons. (Tr. at 396-97). On one occasion, Mike Friedman, who was not a sales manager at that time, commented on a female customer by stating, “Boy, I’d like to bend that over and drive it home.” (Tr. at 398). Such comments were made daily. (Tr. at 399). …

76. Complainant Cristen Harms was the subject of sexual remarks and actions by Mike Friedman. On her first day of employment, Mike Friedman went to a chair Ms. Harms had just left, sniffed the seat and made some remark. (Tr. at 107). On a daily basis, Friedman would ask other employees, in the presence of Scott Henry and Pat Sullivan, “Wouldn’t you like to screw her [Cristen Harms]?” (Tr. at 220). Based on these and similar remarks, Ms. Koch and Mike DeVoider warned Complainant Harms that Mike Friedman was after her. (Tr. at 286-87).

77. On or about July 7,1989, as Complainant Harms walked into a meeting room with Toyota representatives, she overheard Mike Friedman tell Cathy Koch and Dodd Cook that she was voluptuous and he’d like to spend a couple of hours with her. (CP. EX. # 4; Tr. at 288). Cathy Koch yelled at Friedman to leave Harms alone. Cristen Harms felt humiliated by this remark, as if she were only “one inch tall.” (Tr. at 288).

78. On this same or another occasion, he told Cathy Koch that if Complainant Harms spent one night with him she would kick her “old man” (her fiance) out. Friedman said to Ms. Koch that he’d be willing to divorce his wife for Ms. Harms. (Tr. at 224, 288). On July 13th, he again stated to an employee, as he had several times before, that he would like to spend a couple of hours with the Complainant and that he bet he could sexually satisfy her. On July 18, 1989, Mike Friedman told another employee in regard to Cristen Harms’ fiance, “He’s a big guy, she really likes them big and I bet that’s not the only place he’s big.” He also stated, in the words of Complainant Harms’ notes of the incident, “he’d like to spend a couple of hours upstairs with that blonde and if [she] was any good, it would be worth dumping his wife over.”

Meet sales manager Scott Henry:

70. To a lesser degree, Ms. Whetro also found Scott. Henry’s gross sense of humor to be offensive. She objected to him about this behavior. (Tr. at 262-63, 266, 269). On one occasion, he called her on the switchboard and asked her to page a fictitious “Mike Hunt,” i.e. “my cunt,” which she refused to do. On another occasion, Scott Henry told her, “if I were ever to sleep with you, I would do you so hard that your cunt would fall off and smoke at your feet.” (Tr. at 262).

I think the civil rights commission was a bit too hard on Henry. That’s one hell of a pickup line.

Balloon Boy Hates Fags

Vomit isn’t the only thing that comes out of the mouths of Richard Heene’s delightful children. Here’s “Not Pussified,” a rap video they produced with their parents:

Lyrical highlight: “I look up in the tree. What do I see? I see a faggot trying to pee on me. I pick up a rock. Threw it at his cock.”

Although reality TV is a bad environment in which to raise children, I’m thinking it might be an improvement for these kids over their actual home. I hope there’s a spot for the Heenes on TLC after Jon kills Kate.

Welcome to the New Site

Cruel.Com was relaunched this evening under new software. The misanthropes and miscreants from the old site hang out on High Street.